Black People Starter Kit Part 2: Avoid At All Costs

So after the first installment, we know what to do to reinforce your Blackness in the event that you went to college and got brand new, don't watch enough BET or just have a lot of white friends. Now let's discuss the things you need to avoid at all costs if you are trying to hold on to any shred of Blackness.

Water (solid or liquid) - Though there are some exceptions, for the most part we try to avoid open water, unfamiliar swimming pools, or snow. It goes back to the days of slavery when slaveowners would tell slaves tall tales about mythical creatures dwelling underwater to keep them from swimming to freedom. To this day, we will have the best outfit on at the pool party and not get into the water above the ankle. Similarly, it is not an odd thing to see a group of Black people at a ski lodge with great-looking, pristine (and unused) ski suits and winter wear. It would be odd to see one of us out there on the slopes, though. Oh yeah, and most sistas would rather eat a baby before getting their hair wet.

Daytime Minutes - We don't pay for anything we can find a way around. Cell phone companies made it easy for us not to pay them any more than we have to by coming up with paid daytime usage versus free nighttime minutes. I don't remember the last time I picked up my phone to talk period, let alone during the day! If you are calling a Black person on a Wednesday at about 4 in the afternoon, you had better find a way to text or send a smoke signal if it's an emergency.

Bill Collectors - Avoiding bill collectors and Rent-A-Center employees is an age-old art passed down generation to generation in the Black community, consisting of intricate phone activity and opening accounts under infants' names (Little Man-Man is 5 years old with two Civics on lease and little Jada has a Blockbuster account in her name at 2). From an early age, Black children learn never to just pick up the phone if you don't know who it is calling. If a call is truly important, a message will be left, so there is never a need to jump to the phone on the first ring. Then they came out with caller ID and now no one gets their money. Rumor has it that the big blackout they had in New York a couple years back was because Pepco was trying to teach Harlem a lesson.

Bluegrass Music - We may be a music-loving people, an easy way to clear out a check cashing spot in East Oakland is to play some bluegrass music. Though I'm sure the people who create this music have the best intentions, it always sounds like the theme song to a hangin'. We're cool.

Leaving the Gate Open - I'm not sure what this is, exactly, just don't do it.

Supercuts - Though the ads you see on buses and billboards might try to tell you that SuperCuts can make anyone look good, do not by any means believe the hype. Unless you want to come out looking like Eddie Winslow, I suggest going to see Craig 'n' em at your local could-be-a-drug-depot barber shop and get the usual (black barbers can usually tell how you want it done without asking). Also, the advantage to a black shop is that you can request the "John Legend nappy taper", the "Robert Townsend Classic" or the "John Salley" and everyone knows what you mean without Google Images.

Milk - I don't know any Black women who drink milk. Sure, a little milk in your cereal or coffee is common, but a full glass of ice-cold milk in a Black household is definitely an anomaly. I sometimes see white families on TV drinking milk with dinner and it's absolute insanity in my opinion. Milk with casserole? Really?

Stereotypes are funny because there's always an ounce of truth to every one. As Dave Chappelle would say, I don't get upset about chicken and watermelon jokes because chicken and watermelon are delicious and I must have consumed more fried chicken in my lifetime than most poultry farmers' families. The only way we can really affect race relations positively is to establish some comfort between the races and stop taking everything so seriously, especially when humor is involved and there is no malicious intent. I still don't want to see police shooting any Obama-monkeys in the '09, though. We will get John Legend in front of a laptop again. Don't play.