2.27.2009
Black People Starter Kit: The Must-Haves
There's a few things we can't live without as a people. I won't be surprised if a few of these things end up in the White House this year for the first time. Once Obama's presidency ends, wouldn't you love to get your hands on the first hotcomb ever used in the White House? It would go for millions, I'm sure.
Luster's - Ahh, the benefits of Pink Oil moisturizer. If you have never greased your man's scalp at some point, ladies, I have to question the validity of your relationship. Fellas, if your lady has not greased your scalp at some point, you need to put your foot down and say "dammit I coulda had a white girl for this!" (these are just jokes, calm down)
Houseshoes - The corduroy houseshoes in black or tan with the back flattened down under the heel. Infinite comfort, no traction whatsoever. Good not only in the house, but anywhere within a 0.5 mile radius of the home. Wear with tube socks for best results.
"Fruit" Flavored Beverages (see photo)- They don't even have to taste like fruit, as long as they're colorful. Tampico orange drink was a staple at my grandma's house and I don't even know what fruit that was supposed to be made from, if any. Remember Dave Chappelle? "Juice? N*gga what the f*ck is juice? I want some drink!!!...Ingredients: sugar, water, purple."
Ball Barrettes - Various sizes. More colors than a box of Rainbow Nerds. So many unwarranted, overly elaborate hairstyles. Celly Cell, Mack 10, and MC Eiht ruined it for everyone and took it way too far. This was never intended for men. Fun Fact: In Black neighborhoods, ball barrettes and actual weave can be bought at gas stations, corner markets, and convenience stores, all affectionately known as "the sto'".
Obnoxious Snack Foods - Flamin' Hot Cheetos. David Sunflower Seeds...BBQ flavor if they got it. Salt & Vinegar chips. Basically, we like anything that dirties your hands, makes a lot of noise when eaten, or leaves a lingering scent and/or complete mess.
Oprah - Walk into any hair salon and say something bad about Oprah (even something minor..."Oprah's feet stink") and see if you don't get beaten like a rented mule. From "The Color Purple" to the present, Black women have been rollin' with Oprah from day one. Do not test that loyalty.
White Ts - This is one of the best things we ever came up with. I mean at what point can you buy four shirts for $20? It's the most cost-effective style the Black community has ever brought into style. Unfortunately, a man could get shot in the face for spilling some "red drink" on your white T. But wait...I mean, we are the same people who produced George Washington Carver. We also came up with the black T!!! Designed for evening attire.
Blunts - Sure, it is less healthy than using a bong, pipe, or Zig-Zag, but brothas love the blunts. Dutch Masters. White Owls. Phillies. Swisher Sweets!!!! Something about the tactile experience of rolling the blunt itself makes it a valid life skill for us. I actually took Introduction to Blunt Rolling for a semester at Howard. You had to work your way up from Phillies to Backwoods.
Daytime Television - Maury Povich is a Black show. I don't care what anyone says. Seeing a grown man do the Souljah Boy when he finds out he "is NOT the father" confirms it. Remember Ricky Lake? The Richard Bey Show? Sally Jesse Raphael? Jenny Jones? These were all marketed for us. Don't even get me started on Jerry Springer.
Do-Rags/Head Accessories - You don't even have to have a hairstyle requiring a do-rag to wear one anymore. Remember when everybody had waves, though? I remember in high school, like six dudes would be in class with wooden brushes constantly brushing their hair throughout the entire class. Mine were kickin' for a while too, but I don't have the dedication in me to put that much work into it anymore. My arms get tired. Sidenote. It isn't uncommon to see a do-rag coupled with a sweatband, baseball cap, or visor either. If you see somebody doing this, do me a favor and kick them in the back of the neck for me.
Black Magazines - Did anybody REALLY read Jet? Jet magazine is the single most dangerous item found in a Black home due to sheer quantity. One Jet a month since 1977 is a housefire just waiting to jump off. For the uninitiated, Jet is basically a magazine that gives mostly news about Black celebrities the mainstream media didn't count. ("Did you know Peabo Bryson just bought a new house?") Your grandparents kept Jet in their house, your parents subscribed to Ebony and Essence, and now we have Vibe and Honey and...wait...what do you mean Honey went under? They spent all the money? See, that's why we can't have anything nice...
The Lottery - Another way the Man gets our money. I know people who have played (and boast about having played) Lotto twice a week every week since 1983 and only won $75 total since. Think about what that expense could be if it was regularly added to a bank account, accruing interest over time? Maybe some stocks and bonds? You know, white people stuff.
Menthols - Newports have got to be the worst-smelling, worst-tasting cigarette ever made. Outside of prison, I really don't get why people ever buy these, but they are extremely popular. In addition to the tobacco addiction, you also have the addiction to menthol to deal with. This is why I'm addicted to Carmex now. I remember this place called Sarah's Seafood in DC near Howard's campus where basically you can get a shrimp & fries plate, a pack of Now & Laters, and a pack of Newports, all served with a smile through bulletproof glass.
Nikes - Bills on the table. Tax season is coming up. Little Man-Man needs braces. New Jordans for the whole family.
2.23.2009
Public Service Announcement: Beyonce Knowles Must Be Stopped!!!
Disclaimer: For those of you to whom Ms. Knowles is a personal hero, relax...these are just jokes. She is an excellent performer, so respect due, but the effect she has on her fans is ridiculous. Beyonce Knowles is making it difficult for brothas to function and has started some of the most irritating crazes and phrases over the course of her career. She must be stopped for the reasons listed below.
1. "Bills, Bills, Bills" - First off, the video is set in a hair salon...everyone I know who does hair makes a pretty decent living, as much as Black women pay to get their hair done on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I've heard of taking someone shopping, but if you're paying bills for women you don't live with, you're messing the game up for everybody.
2. "Independent Women" - WTF...see #1. So let's confirm one way or another...either yo uare independent or you need your Comcast bill paid. Stop flip-floppin'.
3. "Soldier" - This is just great...so basically we're encouraging young ladies to only go for the thugs and drug dealers, which is what the lyrics imply word-for-word. How positive for the Black community. Thanks, B!
4. "Bootylicious" - Honestly, I wasn't mad at this song. I just want to know what "jelly" Michelle was referring to...that girl needs three square meals per day, nothing less, if she wants to achieve bootylicious status.
5. "Crazy In Love" - Don't get me wrong, this was a great song, but that dance she started was not for everybody, though everybody tried to emulate it. E'rybody ain't able.
6. "Diva" - OK, good song, but I'm just waiting to see the first girl in the club trying to wear those glasses that look like one of those hanging bead doorways you might find in a fortune teller's parlor. Stop it...before you even start.
7. "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" - Of course I was gonna feel some kinda way about this. Now every chick thinks they can say "if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it", but this does not in any way apply to every situation because everybody ain't marriage material. If he didn't put a ring on it, believe you me, there's a reason. Diamonds are pricey and it's a recession. Listening to a song and throwing on some lycra does not make anyone marriage material.
8. That phone commercial where she is performing "Upgrade U" and looks up in the middle to talk to you about upgrading your phone plan while doing some form of shimmy...what the blood clot?
I'm sure I will think of more, but the moral of this story is this: BEYONCE IS BEYONCE...DO YOU!
2.19.2009
Why I'm Not Mad At Hip-Hop
For years and years, I have heard people ask the question: "what's happened" in reference to the way that hip-hop has changed over the years, stating that it has become overly sexual, overly materialistic, or lacks substance. There have been moments where I've fallen in and out of love with hip-hop, but I always come back to it with all of the enthusiasm I grew up with.
I was raised on hip-hop. My parents were young, so it was nothing for my dad to pick me up from school playing N.W.A. or Ice Cube in the car. My dad was originally from South Central so west coast gangsta rap was always a staple ion the house, although Rakim, A Tribe Called Quest, and a variety of diverse artists were also played frequently, blended with everything from rock to jazz to reggae. Today, you can find everything from Sinatra to UGK on my iPod and I'm actually really excited about hip-hop right now.
"No More Good Music"
My feeling is that if anyone is complaining about not being able to find good music, they aren't looking hard enough. Radio and TV are big business at this point, especially when associated with hip-hop, so if you're listening to the radio or watching BET or MTV, you're allowing yourself to be force-fed the mainstream, which is not necessarily for everyone, particularly those who are more knowledgeable about music. I don't listen to the radio and haven't in about ten years. I do watch BET almost on a daily basis and I just look at it for what it is. 106 & Park comes on after I get home from work, so it's easy to just shut off the brain for a moment and enjoy the show. If something comes on I can't get with, I understand that their target age group is ten years or so younger than me and exercise my ability to change the channel! The way I go about finding new music is by either word of mouth, reading, or simply trial & error, which is the only way to really go about it in my eyes if you want more than what's being offered in mainstream media.
"Too Much Sex in Hip-Hop"
As far as hip-hop being over-sexualized today, look at society as a whole. EVERYTHING is over-sexualized. Hip-hop is a product of its environment and art imitates life. I wasn't mad at Nelly's "Tip Drill" video. As long as everyone involved was over 18 and was cut a check, what is the issue? Sure, it showed some crass behavior, but it's building a fantasy. Men see fully-dressed women every day, so what is TV for if not an escape from everyday life? If you're anything like me, you can enjoy the visual, but in real life, you wouldn't look at any of those women as relationship material considering their line of work anyway. I am willing to give most Black men the benefit of the doubt that they know the difference between a real woman and what is depicted in videos. It is up to us as a community to make sure our children know this too, but we can't allow for artists to take on that responsibility for us (and if your kid was up after 3am watching BET Uncut when it was on, then they're in trouble anyway).
Why I'm Not Mad At Souljah Boy
Souljah Boy falls into a relatively new category of artists who make what many would call "fluff" music, or music of little substance. Some would go so far as to say it's not hip-hop. What was "Rapper's Delight" if not a party song, even to this day? Would anyone question the validity of that song as hip-hop? Personally, I love Common and Mos Def and what people would call "conscious MCs", but if I'm getting ready to step out or if I'm in a club, that isn't what I want to hear. I want something to fit the situation. Black music has become extremely successful over the past 20 years, so it's only natural that the progression of many artists will be toward the celebration of their success. Souljah Boy's having the time of his life and making music on his age level, so I can't knock the hustle. Hip-hop was supposed to be fun, right? I think the best thing about hip-hop today is that there are so many facets to it and it represents everyone. Hip-hop is one of the only truly organic art forms. You notice that jazz, reggae, rock etc. all have distinctive sounds that make them what they are. Hip-hop can be infused into any other type of music and a hip-hop track can come totally out of left field with a new sound and still be credible. Lighten up, folks.
Leaders of the New School
I'm actually really optimistic about hip-hop. Hip-hop's grown into a genre that's got something for everyone. Just look at the following artists: Wale, Mickey Factz, Cory Gunz, Asher Roth, the Cool Kids, Lupe Fiasco, the Foreign Exchange, and Kid Cudi to name a few (I swear I was up on all of these long before the XXL article). Then look at the effect that hip-hop is having on R&B with artists like T-Pain and the Dream taking it in a different direction. There's even some influence from entirely separate genres (see Li'l Wayne's "Prom Queen" and Kanye West's recent "808s & Heartbreaks").
The point is that this is an organic art form and remaining stagnant or only making songs with a message would do our whole community a disservice by not allowing it to expand and be all-inclusive. If you don't like what you are seeing in the mainstream, go out and support the artists you care about...buy a CD, see a live show, or blog about it and let others know. The media presents what the public shows they want economically, so the dollar speaks in this instance. Just sitting back and complaining is counterproductive.
And if you still can't find any good music, holla at me and I'll burn you some CDs...no seriously, I will burn you a CD.
I was raised on hip-hop. My parents were young, so it was nothing for my dad to pick me up from school playing N.W.A. or Ice Cube in the car. My dad was originally from South Central so west coast gangsta rap was always a staple ion the house, although Rakim, A Tribe Called Quest, and a variety of diverse artists were also played frequently, blended with everything from rock to jazz to reggae. Today, you can find everything from Sinatra to UGK on my iPod and I'm actually really excited about hip-hop right now.
"No More Good Music"
My feeling is that if anyone is complaining about not being able to find good music, they aren't looking hard enough. Radio and TV are big business at this point, especially when associated with hip-hop, so if you're listening to the radio or watching BET or MTV, you're allowing yourself to be force-fed the mainstream, which is not necessarily for everyone, particularly those who are more knowledgeable about music. I don't listen to the radio and haven't in about ten years. I do watch BET almost on a daily basis and I just look at it for what it is. 106 & Park comes on after I get home from work, so it's easy to just shut off the brain for a moment and enjoy the show. If something comes on I can't get with, I understand that their target age group is ten years or so younger than me and exercise my ability to change the channel! The way I go about finding new music is by either word of mouth, reading, or simply trial & error, which is the only way to really go about it in my eyes if you want more than what's being offered in mainstream media.
"Too Much Sex in Hip-Hop"
As far as hip-hop being over-sexualized today, look at society as a whole. EVERYTHING is over-sexualized. Hip-hop is a product of its environment and art imitates life. I wasn't mad at Nelly's "Tip Drill" video. As long as everyone involved was over 18 and was cut a check, what is the issue? Sure, it showed some crass behavior, but it's building a fantasy. Men see fully-dressed women every day, so what is TV for if not an escape from everyday life? If you're anything like me, you can enjoy the visual, but in real life, you wouldn't look at any of those women as relationship material considering their line of work anyway. I am willing to give most Black men the benefit of the doubt that they know the difference between a real woman and what is depicted in videos. It is up to us as a community to make sure our children know this too, but we can't allow for artists to take on that responsibility for us (and if your kid was up after 3am watching BET Uncut when it was on, then they're in trouble anyway).
Why I'm Not Mad At Souljah Boy
Souljah Boy falls into a relatively new category of artists who make what many would call "fluff" music, or music of little substance. Some would go so far as to say it's not hip-hop. What was "Rapper's Delight" if not a party song, even to this day? Would anyone question the validity of that song as hip-hop? Personally, I love Common and Mos Def and what people would call "conscious MCs", but if I'm getting ready to step out or if I'm in a club, that isn't what I want to hear. I want something to fit the situation. Black music has become extremely successful over the past 20 years, so it's only natural that the progression of many artists will be toward the celebration of their success. Souljah Boy's having the time of his life and making music on his age level, so I can't knock the hustle. Hip-hop was supposed to be fun, right? I think the best thing about hip-hop today is that there are so many facets to it and it represents everyone. Hip-hop is one of the only truly organic art forms. You notice that jazz, reggae, rock etc. all have distinctive sounds that make them what they are. Hip-hop can be infused into any other type of music and a hip-hop track can come totally out of left field with a new sound and still be credible. Lighten up, folks.
Leaders of the New School
I'm actually really optimistic about hip-hop. Hip-hop's grown into a genre that's got something for everyone. Just look at the following artists: Wale, Mickey Factz, Cory Gunz, Asher Roth, the Cool Kids, Lupe Fiasco, the Foreign Exchange, and Kid Cudi to name a few (I swear I was up on all of these long before the XXL article). Then look at the effect that hip-hop is having on R&B with artists like T-Pain and the Dream taking it in a different direction. There's even some influence from entirely separate genres (see Li'l Wayne's "Prom Queen" and Kanye West's recent "808s & Heartbreaks").
The point is that this is an organic art form and remaining stagnant or only making songs with a message would do our whole community a disservice by not allowing it to expand and be all-inclusive. If you don't like what you are seeing in the mainstream, go out and support the artists you care about...buy a CD, see a live show, or blog about it and let others know. The media presents what the public shows they want economically, so the dollar speaks in this instance. Just sitting back and complaining is counterproductive.
And if you still can't find any good music, holla at me and I'll burn you some CDs...no seriously, I will burn you a CD.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
