Black People Starter Kit: The Must-Haves

There's a few things we can't live without as a people. I won't be surprised if a few of these things end up in the White House this year for the first time. Once Obama's presidency ends, wouldn't you love to get your hands on the first hotcomb ever used in the White House? It would go for millions, I'm sure.

Luster's - Ahh, the benefits of Pink Oil moisturizer. If you have never greased your man's scalp at some point, ladies, I have to question the validity of your relationship. Fellas, if your lady has not greased your scalp at some point, you need to put your foot down and say "dammit I coulda had a white girl for this!" (these are just jokes, calm down)

Houseshoes - The corduroy houseshoes in black or tan with the back flattened down under the heel. Infinite comfort, no traction whatsoever. Good not only in the house, but anywhere within a 0.5 mile radius of the home.  Wear with tube socks for best results.

"Fruit" Flavored Beverages (see photo)- They don't even have to taste like fruit, as long as they're colorful. Tampico orange drink was a staple at my grandma's house and I don't even know what fruit that was supposed to be made from, if any. Remember Dave Chappelle? "Juice? N*gga what the f*ck is juice? I want some drink!!!...Ingredients: sugar, water, purple."

Ball Barrettes - Various sizes. More colors than a box of Rainbow Nerds. So many unwarranted, overly elaborate hairstyles. Celly Cell, Mack 10, and MC Eiht ruined it for everyone and took it way too far. This was never intended for men.  Fun Fact: In Black neighborhoods, ball barrettes and actual weave can be bought at gas stations, corner markets, and convenience stores, all affectionately known as "the sto'".

Obnoxious Snack Foods - Flamin' Hot Cheetos. David Sunflower Seeds...BBQ flavor if they got it. Salt & Vinegar chips. Basically, we like anything that dirties your hands, makes a lot of noise when eaten, or leaves a lingering scent and/or complete mess.

Oprah - Walk into any hair salon and say something bad about Oprah (even something minor..."Oprah's feet stink") and see if you don't get beaten like a rented mule. From "The Color Purple" to the present, Black women have been rollin' with Oprah from day one. Do not test that loyalty.

White Ts - This is one of the best things we ever came up with. I mean at what point can you buy four shirts for $20? It's the most cost-effective style the Black community has ever brought into style. Unfortunately, a man could get shot in the face for spilling some "red drink" on your white T. But wait...I mean, we are the same people who produced George Washington Carver. We also came up with the black T!!!  Designed for evening attire.

Blunts - Sure, it is less healthy than using a bong, pipe, or Zig-Zag, but brothas love the blunts. Dutch Masters. White Owls. Phillies. Swisher Sweets!!!! Something about the tactile experience of rolling the blunt itself makes it a valid life skill for us. I actually took Introduction to Blunt Rolling for a semester at Howard.  You had to work your way up from Phillies to Backwoods.

Daytime Television - Maury Povich is a Black show. I don't care what anyone says. Seeing a grown man do the Souljah Boy when he finds out he "is NOT the father" confirms it. Remember Ricky Lake? The Richard Bey Show? Sally Jesse Raphael? Jenny Jones? These were all marketed for us.  Don't even get me started on Jerry Springer.  

Do-Rags/Head Accessories - You don't even have to have a hairstyle requiring a do-rag to wear one anymore. Remember when everybody had waves, though? I remember in high school, like six dudes would be in class with wooden brushes constantly brushing their hair throughout the entire class. Mine were kickin' for a while too, but I don't have the dedication in me to put that much work into it anymore. My arms get tired.  Sidenote.  It isn't uncommon to see a do-rag coupled with a sweatband, baseball cap, or visor either.  If you see somebody doing this, do me a favor and kick them in the back of the neck for me.

Black Magazines - Did anybody REALLY read Jet? Jet magazine is the single most dangerous item found in a Black home due to sheer quantity. One Jet a month since 1977 is a housefire just waiting to jump off. For the uninitiated, Jet is basically a magazine that gives mostly news about Black celebrities the mainstream media didn't count.  ("Did you know Peabo Bryson just bought a new house?") Your grandparents kept Jet in their house, your parents subscribed to Ebony and Essence, and now we have Vibe and Honey and...wait...what do you mean Honey went under? They spent all the money? See, that's why we can't have anything nice...

The Lottery - Another way the Man gets our money. I know people who have played (and boast about having played) Lotto twice a week every week since 1983 and only won $75 total since. Think about what that expense could be if it was regularly added to a bank account, accruing interest over time?  Maybe some stocks and bonds?  You know, white people stuff.

Menthols - Newports have got to be the worst-smelling, worst-tasting cigarette ever made. Outside of prison, I really don't get why people ever buy these, but they are extremely popular.  In addition to the tobacco addiction, you also have the addiction to menthol to deal with. This is why I'm addicted to Carmex now.  I remember this place called Sarah's Seafood in DC near Howard's campus where basically you can get a shrimp & fries plate, a pack of Now & Laters, and a pack of Newports, all served with a smile through bulletproof glass.  

Nikes - Bills on the table. Tax season is coming up. Little Man-Man needs braces. New Jordans for the whole family.